“Someone who always wants to have everything black on white lives a very colourless existence”
– Random Paper Wisdom –
I think I’ve lost my schwung, my mojo, my inner me, and this makes me scared. Because who am I if I cannot even answer that question? And how can I answer that question when all that I thought made up me has gone MIA?
The day my schwung (try it with a German accent, it sounds much better) left, I started functioning on autopilot. I mean, I go around my business, but not as usual. There’s not really a feeling to it. I don’t get all planny and excited about doing stuff and ticking them off my to do lists. I’ve stopped caring about my schedules left and right (let’s be honest here: how many times in the past month have I failed to write a Letter to Life in the weekend? I rest my case). My gerbils get less attention as I now often seek the easy way out when it comes to playing with them, rather than building gerbil paradises on the table. I’ve not seen an ancient horror movie since a long while and my homework is collecting dust, where I’d usually work ahead wherever I could.
Life, I have this wicked feeling you snatched my schwung away, maybe for maintenance or an upgrade. Or both, I don’t know what your business with people’s schwungs is. Something’s been astir inside me for a while, so I guess it was only a matter of time before everything was to be turned upside down, which is exactly what I think is happening to my schwung right now.
Over the last couple of months I’ve not only had bad news upon bad news, which in itself is enough to send your mojo out for a really long hike, I’ve also been diving deeper into my own being. All the tests, all the practices we do in class, make me regard myself in an ever changing light. I keep finding out more sides of me I never knew I had and the ones I’ve always clung on to have grown different. Less important even, in some cases.
Take my perfectionism, for instance. I always thought of it as a top quality of mine, something I could throw in everyone’s faces, because this trait was mine, it showed everyone who I was! But now I think it is too much of another quality and my whole self-view is crumbling under this realisation.
So I get it. My schwung needs a rest, a good maintenance and (hopefully) an upgrade that will make me stronger than ever when it gets reinstalled (I feel like I am a computer right now – but seeing as I’ve been running on autopilot for some time now it only suits the story).
Life, you take good care of my schwung. Make it nice and big, and strong enough to help me take on whatever will come my way.
But don’t make me wait too long. I can’t run on zombie-mode forever.