Letters to Life

Letters to Life (14)

“Someone who always wants to have everything black on white lives a very colourless existence”
– Random Paper Wisdom –

Dear Life,

I think I’ve lost my schwung, my mojo, my inner me, and this makes me scared. Because who am I if I cannot even answer that question? And how can I answer that question when all that I thought made up me has gone MIA?

The day my schwung (try it with a German accent, it sounds much better) left, I started functioning on autopilot. I mean, I go around my business, but not as usual. There’s not really a feeling to it. I don’t get all planny and excited about doing stuff and ticking them off my to do lists. I’ve stopped caring about my schedules left and right (let’s be honest here: how many times in the past month have I failed to write a Letter to Life in the weekend? I rest my case). My gerbils get less attention as I now often seek the easy way out when it comes to playing with them, rather than building gerbil paradises on the table. I’ve not seen an ancient horror movie since a long while and my homework is collecting dust, where I’d usually work ahead wherever I could.

Life, I have this wicked feeling you snatched my schwung away, maybe for maintenance or an upgrade. Or both, I don’t know what your business with people’s schwungs is. Something’s been astir inside me for a while, so I guess it was only a matter of time before everything was to be turned upside down, which is exactly what I think is happening to my schwung right now.

Over the last couple of months I’ve not only had bad news upon bad news, which in itself is enough to send your mojo out for a really long hike, I’ve also been diving deeper into my own being. All the tests, all the practices we do in class, make me regard myself in an ever changing light. I keep finding out more sides of me I never knew I had and the ones I’ve always clung on to have grown different. Less important even, in some cases.

Take my perfectionism, for instance. I always thought of it as a top quality of mine, something I could throw in everyone’s faces, because this trait was mine, it showed everyone who I was! But now I think it is too much of another quality and my whole self-view is crumbling under this realisation.

So I get it. My schwung needs a rest, a good maintenance and (hopefully) an upgrade that will make me stronger than ever when it gets reinstalled (I feel like I am a computer right now – but seeing as I’ve been running on autopilot for some time now it only suits the story).

Life, you take good care of my schwung. Make it nice and big, and strong enough to help me take on whatever will come my way.

But don’t make me wait too long. I can’t run on zombie-mode forever.

X,

Samantha


Have you ever felt like you lost your mojo, your schwung, your magic touch? How did you get it back?
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12 thoughts on “Letters to Life (14)

  1. good luck, friend – its times like these when it helps me to get out & see others, & to count my blessings, a to z & then some. on the other hand, we’re only human – love how you respect this by acknowleging that the spirit has its own to do list & clock

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thus post made me smile and even chuckle at times but I can totally relate. Your schwang is just undergoing a minor upgrade. It’s just installing a new operating system.

    I am a lot like you. Before kids and family responsibilities, a business a dog, single parenting, ‘Perfect’ was always my word of the day. Now, my plate looks like an overloaded Thanksgiving platter. There’s just no more room. My days feeling a marathon and ‘perfect’ requires too much time. ‘Good enough’ is all I can muster these days and that’s OK. Why? Because there’s only one of me and I have to be realistic about the goals I set for myself.

    I have a feeling this is what you’re going through, but if I’m wrong, I hope my story can lend some insight into your schwang upgrade.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I hoped for a major upgrade, haha, out of fear it’d need another small one in a wee bit of time.
    What really shattered my opinion of ‘perfect’ is how people reacted to me giving ‘only 70%’: they didn’t even notice and kept praising me! Talk about a desillusion there :p I guess I just don’t know how to handle myself when I’m not striving for perfection. You know what else caught me off guard? I have a practical exam this Saturday, which means I have to practice a GROW-talk on a classmate while everyone else, including the teacher, will observe us. Normally I’d be sh*tting my pants by now (extreme fear of failure, anyone?), but instead I know I’ll be fine.

    I am such a mess, hahaha. Can’t wait for the upgrade! :p

    Like

  4. Samantha, I have a feeling you could be on autopilot and still outperform most. I’d like to think I can do the same. It’s quite hard for any of us to be “on” all the time, feeling we’re totally immersed in the day-to-day-to-day. Life is “messy” but if we at least keep moving forward we’ll hopefully stay as “clean” as possible!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. hmmm you actually describe my feeling. I feel so restless and I don’t have any inspiration and I don’t feel excited about most of the thing I’m normally excited about. I also just wrote a blogpost about it and about all my overwhelming thoughts. Maybe this is it! Maybe my schwung also needs a rest haha. So love this blogpost, as I love all of your blogposts :)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. My schwung’s still MIA, but I noticed it comes back for a little while, when I do things I get excited about. Like Monday at work, when I scraped an oven tray so very clean it looked like new! I mean, sure I need new hobbies, but I got so engrossed in the task my schwung took over again like it used to. Now I have some extra days off and that’s when I can’t escape reality and start pondering over everything -_-
      My schung’s still out there, as is yours, but they’re just undergoing repairwork. They’ll be back for good before we know it, I’m positive!

      Liked by 1 person

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