“You prove you are truly peaceful and calm when you are the target of unpleasant declarations”
– Random Paper Wisdom –
Anger. Hurt. Sadness. All these emotions fly through me as I type this, but I try to hide them. It is almost as if they are playing an ongoing game of hide and seek, like I am covering them up with a thin veil to shield them from the world.
Hiding my emotions is something I’ve grown quite good at, if you don’t mind me bragging about it. Not that it’s anything worth bragging about, but still. Very good at it.
The problem is, of course, that when you hide your feelings they do want to be found eventually. After all, that’s the whole intention of playing hide and seek. And that’s exactly the part I don’t fancy all too much, Life: some things that are hidden should not need to resurface.
Usually I am adept at keeping them hidden for a long time, but I can’t handle more than one difficult emotion at a time and that’s where you’ve been taunting me, Life. You’ve recently been throwing so many emotions at me I can’t decide what to do with them; my initial actions appear futile as I’ve never learned to juggle, I’ve only learned to hide things. But I can’t hide more than one feeling at a time: if I try, the other suppressants pops up and vice versa.
Instead I react cranky to the people around me, my answers are short and grumpy, and I keep hearing myself say things I don’t want to say, I keep seeing myself do things I don’t want to do. But I can’t stop it: instead of successfully hiding the emotions I don’t want to face, they seem to be hiding the true me instead, by unleashing a bad version of me.
In an attempt to get rid of my anger and sadness, the two most annoying emotions currently calling the shots, I tried to meditate them out of my system. The result was that my inner being (or whatever – something, a voice any way) said: “These emotions are part of you and they have reason of existence. Accept them.”
So I ended up crying and cursing you, Life, until the same voice told me the opposite of both anger and sadness is joy. In order to overcome these emotions I needed to ask for positive energy from the Universe. Take as many as I want of that and share it with whoever needs it, too. I did so and felt relieved. But the next morning I was overcome with anger and grief again.
I know now it’s okay to feel these emotions. It’s okay to accept whatever emotions you experience in general; they are part of you. They tell you who you are and who you are not. And if at one point they get too overwhelming, it’s okay to take a step back and observe. Breathe, relax, and acknowledge their existence before finding a way to deal with them.
You are very difficult, Life, and after thirty years I am still finding out how you work. But I also know that if I ask you a question and listen closely, you’ll hand me the answer. I say hand me, because I have all the answers inside me already. It’s just that sometimes they play hide and seek.