Letters to Life

Letters to Life (10)

“You prove you are truly peaceful and calm when you are the target of unpleasant declarations”
– Random Paper Wisdom –

Dear Life,

Anger. Hurt. Sadness. All these emotions fly through me as I type this, but I try to hide them. It is almost as if they are playing an ongoing game of hide and seek, like I am covering them up with a thin veil to shield them from the world.

Hiding my emotions is something I’ve grown quite good at, if you don’t mind me bragging about it. Not that it’s anything worth bragging about, but still. Very good at it.

The problem is, of course, that when you hide your feelings they do want to be found eventually. After all, that’s the whole intention of playing hide and seek. And that’s exactly the part I don’t fancy all too much, Life: some things that are hidden should not need to resurface.

Usually I am adept at keeping them hidden for a long time, but I can’t handle more than one difficult emotion at a time and that’s where you’ve been taunting me, Life. You’ve recently been throwing so many emotions at me I can’t decide what to do with them; my initial actions appear futile as I’ve never learned to juggle, I’ve only learned to hide things. But I can’t hide more than one feeling at a time: if I try, the other suppressants pops up and vice versa.

Instead I react cranky to the people around me, my answers are short and grumpy, and I keep hearing myself say things I don’t want to say, I keep seeing myself do things I don’t want to do. But I can’t stop it: instead of successfully hiding the emotions I don’t want to face, they seem to be hiding the true me instead, by unleashing a bad version of me.

In an attempt to get rid of my anger and sadness, the two most annoying emotions currently calling the shots, I tried to meditate them out of my system. The result was that my inner being (or whatever – something, a voice any way) said: “These emotions are part of you and they have reason of existence. Accept them.”

So I ended up crying and cursing you, Life, until the same voice told me the opposite of both anger and sadness is joy. In order to overcome these emotions I needed to ask for positive energy from the Universe. Take as many as I want of that and share it with whoever needs it, too. I did so and felt relieved. But the next morning I was overcome with anger and grief again.

I know now it’s okay to feel these emotions. It’s okay to accept whatever emotions you experience in general; they are part of you. They tell you who you are and who you are not. And if at one point they get too overwhelming, it’s okay to take a step back and observe. Breathe, relax, and acknowledge their existence before finding a way to deal with them.

You are very difficult, Life, and after thirty years I am still finding out how you work. But I also know that if I ask you a question and listen closely, you’ll hand me the answer. I say hand me, because I have all the answers inside me already. It’s just that sometimes they play hide and seek.

X,
Samantha


How do you handle negative emotions? Do you try to suppress them, too, or do you give them freedom of speech?
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10 thoughts on “Letters to Life (10)

  1. I’m sorry to hear life has been throwing more negative emotions at you than you can easily hide, Samantha. You ask a great question at the end about how your readers cope with such feelings. I wish I could give a great answer, but mostly all I do is try to stay busy so I don’t dwell on things too much. Blogging is also a pretty good way of releasing emotions too. Anyway, I hope that soon life will help you find the answers you are looking for. :)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I agree with blogging being a good outlet, it helps put things in perspective (aka get them on paper/the screen and out of your head). Meditating helps, too, and acknowledging I feel upset makes it easier for people around me to understand why I am irritable. I also like how you say keeping busy helps you – I might try that out, although I know that’s usually one of my mechanisms to try and hide stuff, haha! Thanks for commenting, Bun :)

      Liked by 1 person

        1. I had to learn to appreciate it. The only advice I can give you regarding meditating is: don’t give up after a few tries. It does work, but it needs a bit of persistence before you’ll notice.

          Liked by 1 person

  2. I spent most of my adult life assuming that virtue is the same as hiding feelings. For example, courage is doing the right thing in spite of fear rather than not having fear. Only recently have I learned how to acknowledge feelings for what they are. It appears that you have learned this better than I have. J.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Not better, J, I am in the middle of my learning process as we speak. Hiding feelings was my coping mechanism, but it always failed. I thought maybe it’s time to try something new. I haven’t figured out if this is working for me, though.

      Like

  3. Samantha, I’ve always worn my emotions on my sleeve, operating on the premise negative ones would only do further damage if kept inside and positive ones deserved to be shared. Trying to tamp down or suppress emotions was never in my DNA. Anger and sadness can set up shop and expect to stay a long time if not invited out. Here’s hoping you give them their eviction notice soon!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You are absolutely right, Bruce! Unfortunately it was a huge part of my upbringing to believe nobody should sharebin your sorrow and one must always show their best behaviour when around others.

      However, acknowledging something doesn’t work is always the first step to improvement :)

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Everything is going to be all right with you! Keep your head up and just accept anything you are feeling, even if these feelings are negative. You don’t want to feel these negative feelings, but if you DO feel them and accept them, I know for sure something better is going to be on your path. You are doing a great job and I believe in you, now it is time for you to start believing in YOURSELF. Keep doing what you already do, and you are heading in a direction which is going to give you positive feelings again! :)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Accepting these emotions exist helps with the healing process. I mean, I am sad but now I don’t have to suppress it all the time to pretend I am doing fine, but at the same time I don’t necessarily have to talk about what makes me sad. Just acknowledging I am seems to be enough, at least for my surroundings, and to me it’s a step in the right direction of dealing with the emotions.

      Liked by 1 person

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