Dictionary

Middlescence (aka Why Am I So Different?)

  • Definition: The time of your life in which you find yourself somewhat lost, full of self-doubt and a bit off from the general way most of the people around you live their lives.

“I’ll tell you, there is nothing better in life than being a late bloomer. I believe that success can happen at any time and at any age”
– Salma Hayek –

A few days ago my cousin E came over and at one point he mentioned how he’s a slow learner, but especially when it comes to practical matters. E said: “At first I tend to suck at things, making the people around me think I’m no good and making my teachers think I’ll never get it. But then it’s like I wake up and BAM! I got it! And that’s when I usually outperform everyone else.”

I am exactly like that, too.

When I started out teaching BodyPump I was no good. Honestly, I was terrible! But after a while and some realisations (“it’s not about me, it’s about the people who visit my class”, and: “the main focus is to have fun”) I owned it! I owned it so bad that I’d eventually doubled the amount of people coming to class on Saturdays AND after my gym was taken over people “subtly” asked me if I was going to teach somewhere else – because they wanted to follow me.

When I think of this I wonder why I am so insecure about everything in life. My coaching course is making my heart beat faster, not only because I really want to be a good coach, but also because I know I sucked at the practical assignments thus far and will most likely continue to do so for a while (and I just really really want to be good at it!).

Today I had a minor meltdown, because my life simply isn’t the way I had wanted it to be. I am thirty and I live at home! How sad is that? I know it’s not all my fault, things just happened and other things didn’t, but I feel like I’ve failed myself. Failed life, even. I am right there, in the middle of my middlescence. Doubt crept in and took over and now I am stuck in my thoughts again.

Everyone around me seems to be doing so well it’s often difficult to accept I am in a different stage of life. My start-up takes longer; I am that slow, big plane that needs more time to take off. And when I do, I know I’ll soar higher than most people.

Not because I am better, but because I want other things in life. I don’t want to build a family like most people. I don’t want to find a nine to five job and work until I retire. There’s nothing wrong with that, but it’s just not me. I want to find my own, get to know myself. Travel the world and go on adventures, see what else life has to offer but the path most of my peers are on. Maybe I’ll settle down one day, but it’s not on my priority list right now.

The direction of my life is different and it takes me longer to launch because there’s not a set of footprints to follow into: I have to figure things out on my own. And that scares me, because it feels like I am stuck on the ground while everyone else is flying ahead of me.

But just like E, I need time to prove (myself) I can do this. That before you know it, the Sam nobody thought would succeed at anything will be high up there, soaring through the unlimited skies like no one else did before.

And I betcha I’ll be mighty good at it! ;)


Did you ever experience a middlescence period? How do you look back on your life so far?
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14 thoughts on “Middlescence (aka Why Am I So Different?)

  1. Dear Samantha – you are always such a joy! here so generous to share your true thoughts, feelings, frustrations. I doubt there is a soul who’s ever lived who hasn’t felt ‘behind’ — yet few of us admit to it. You are exactly where you need to be, as is everyone. I know it sounds trite, & I’ve hated people telling me that at times, but it always seems to bear out.

    When I was learning guitar, teachers told me 2 things that have applied to many things I encounter. 1st that one must learn slowly & methodically, in order to teach oneself how to do something correctly – lest one instead ingrain the mind & fingers to do things wrong. 2nd – that a note is never wrong – what makes it right is the note that follows it. Oh – & another one – that music is as much the silent spaces between notes as it is the notes that are played.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Traveling the world and having adventures sounds pretty good, Samantha. That’s what some of my favorite bloggers seem to spend much of their time doing (e.g. Randell at Golden Sojourns Photography, Sue at the Travel Tales of Life, Badfish at Badfish and Chips Cafe). It’s hard not to admire their spirit. I’m not sure about your coaching course in detail, but if the skills you learn are the sort of thing you can do in many different countries, perhaps it could be your ticket to faraway places.

    Liked by 1 person

        1. The whole world is like that, we just don’t see it when we live in it :p And some places aren’t safe :( But yea, Europe should be big enough for me to find my place, surely :)

          Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m 54 and I still feel this way. Even after having spent 20 years in the miltary as a musician, been married, and have two grown kids, I still feel like I haven’t gotten started yet. Starting to think I will feel this way until I leave the earth. It’s great to acheive and be the best you can be. And its also great to just stop and be content with what you’re doing at the time. Sometimes I still feel like a failure. I think we all do. But its not always going to be that way.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Shoot, I was hoping one day I would have all the answers :p Well, I know that’s impossible, I just really hope I’ll figure things out. Then again, if we lose something to long/work for, life would be pretty empty. Maybe it’s a good thing I haven’t figured it all out yet.

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  4. I really liked Tony’s comment about not getting started just yet and being content, etc. I’ve got a couple years on him and while I feel like I have done some good stuff…feel like more and better stuff is still on the horizon. I think it is human nature to look at others and think “wow, they’ve got it all.” They don’t. In a lot of cases they have more problems on their plate than we do. Middlescence is a state-of-mind I think most are in most of the time but we have the power to overcome it!

    Liked by 1 person

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