“It is not your job to like me – it’s mine”
– Random Paper Wisdom (but the actual quote is from Byron Katie) –
Yesterday I was doing some Dance Fitness routines and as I was in full cooling down mode I suddenly burst into tears. Because the following lyrics hit home hard:
I put one foot in front of the other and I
Looked in the mirror and decided to stay
(From: ‘By The Grace Of God’ by Katy Perry)
Somehow I had forgotten about how I felt when I was a teenager up to when I had my Big Breakdown at twenty-two. But going back to school to become a life coach doesn’t just mean practising on others to develop my coaching skills, it also means being coached myself by a fellow student. For that process I had to come up with a problem, a personal goal to work on during the coaching-training sessions.
My goal is to become more self-confident and not just find my own worth, but keep a hold of it as well.
The process is more emotional than I had expected: we had our first “practical day” last Saturday and I’ve only had one session with my coach buddy so far. But, against all odds, when we talked about why I set this particular goal for myself, I teared up. I never cry in front of others! Never! So why now?
Somehow all the hurt and the anger and the sadness I’ve carried inside me since… forever, rose to a level beyond my limits of pushing them back down.
And when I heard those lines during the cooling down, an epiphany hit me so hard I couldn’t do anything but cry in recognition of the text.
I use to talk about this with a light air, as if it was nothing, but when I broke down in my early twenties I gave myself two options: find help or end my life. My depression had gotten me to a point where I couldn’t see myself fighting it any more, every day, for the rest of my life. Something had to happen, it had to stop. Eventually I chose the first option, but the second one was my plan B.
In a way, I also looked in the mirror and decided to stay. I also put my feet in front of each other and kept walking, slowly, very slowly, rebuilding myself into the person I am now.
If I thought I was there yet, I was mistaken. But with all the emotional outbursts lately I at least know I am on the right way to finally – hopefully – heal my old wounds and release my inner phoenix. Because I am set on rising from my own ashes and unleash the strong woman I have hidden inside me!
I decided to stay. That’s the best and most important decision I ever made.
I am not finished exploring all your options, Life, so let’s make the most of it, shall we? Together.