Letters to Life

Letters to Life (6)

life3

“It is not your job to like me – it’s mine”
– Random Paper Wisdom (but the actual quote is from Byron Katie) –

Dear Life,

Yesterday I was doing some Dance Fitness routines and as I was in full cooling down mode I suddenly burst into tears. Because the following lyrics hit home hard:

I put one foot in front of the other and I
Looked in the mirror and decided to stay
(From: ‘By The Grace Of God’ by Katy Perry)

Somehow I had forgotten about how I felt when I was a teenager up to when I had my Big Breakdown at twenty-two. But going back to school to become a life coach doesn’t just mean practising on others to develop my coaching skills, it also means being coached myself by a fellow student. For that process I had to come up with a problem, a personal goal to work on during the coaching-training sessions.

My goal is to become more self-confident and not just find my own worth, but keep a hold of it as well.

The process is more emotional than I had expected: we had our first “practical day” last Saturday and I’ve only had one session with my coach buddy so far. But, against all odds, when we talked about why I set this particular goal for myself, I teared up. I never cry in front of others! Never! So why now?

Somehow all the hurt and the anger and the sadness I’ve carried inside me since… forever, rose to a level beyond my limits of pushing them back down.

And when I heard those lines during the cooling down, an epiphany hit me so hard I couldn’t do anything but cry in recognition of the text.

I use to talk about this with a light air, as if it was nothing, but when I broke down in my early twenties I gave myself two options: find help or end my life. My depression had gotten me to a point where I couldn’t see myself fighting it any more, every day, for the rest of my life. Something had to happen, it had to stop. Eventually I chose the first option, but the second one was my plan B.

In a way, I also looked in the mirror and decided to stay. I also put my feet in front of each other and kept walking, slowly, very slowly, rebuilding myself into the person I am now.

If I thought I was there yet, I was mistaken. But with all the emotional outbursts lately I at least know I am on the right way to finally – hopefully – heal my old wounds and release my inner phoenix. Because I am set on rising from my own ashes and unleash the strong woman I have hidden inside me!

I decided to stay. That’s the best and most important decision I ever made.

I am not finished exploring all your options, Life, so let’s make the most of it, shall we? Together.

X,
Samantha


What was the best decision you made in your life (so far)?
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9 thoughts on “Letters to Life (6)

  1. Now imagine Katey Perry busting into tears while up on stage doing that song! They’da had to rename her shows into “Care-Prismatic” World Tour (y’know, referring to “charismatic” —) and we’d love her even more yet <3

    Best decision ever? Not to be ashamed of my tears!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, J. I am happy about my decision, too. So many great people I would have missed out on, and so many experiences. I hope you feel better and better, too.

      Like

  2. Ahw this blogpost makes me cry. You write so beautiful it really hits me. You are such a strong person and Im so happy that I can read your blogpost about your life and advices and all the things you share with us. Im so happy that you kept on walking because it brought you to this point of your life. You are finding the right path for yourself. And also what Salvageable says, otherwise I wouldnt met you :) keep it up Samantha!!

    Like

    1. Oh no, I didn’t mean to make anyone cry! You’re the second person who told me that! D: But I am happy to be here still and meet so many wonderful people. Sometimes I forget about the good stuff because my problems take over my head, but in the end it’s exactly that what makes life worth living: the good stuff. So thank you for being part of that :)

      Liked by 1 person

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