“You are an instrument of peace and will sow love where hatred reigns”
– Random Paper Wisdom –
It’s me again and I need your help. Every time I think I have found my way, I get lost so quickly I end up feeling alone and confused. Please show me what to do, where to go.
Yesterday my course to become a life coach started off and I woke up with a terrible pit in my stomach. Not because I was about to start something I’ve been looking forward to for a while, but because it was one of “those days” again, on which I feel small and little and terribly insecure for no good reason. A feeling that was magnified by me starting something new, meeting new people in a new environment. If my anxieties were high already, these extras made them break through the roof!
Just when I think I’ve got myself under control, I lose the reins of my focus and with that lose myself. I spent half a morning being upset because my memory wasn’t working properly and I failed to come up with some pretty big aspects of someone’s life (instead of introducing ourselves, we had to interview the person next to us and then introduce them). Quickly after, my ego was hit by a huge blow after I messed up a trial coaching session by completely blanking out.
I thought I had grown from a feeble mess into a strong woman, but that woman was nowhere near to be found yesterday. I had honestly (maybe naively) thought that I was there already, safe and sound, knowing my self-worth. But theory and practice are two different things. Or maybe we just need days like these to understand we have not arrived at the finish line just yet.
One thing I have come to learn about myself is that my perfectionism does not only allow for my fear of failure to take over when I am in distress, it also ensures me that whatever mistake I make, whatever feedback I’m given, I go into adjustment mode immediately.
And even though a part of me is terrified my insecure behaviour set the mode for the rest of this course, I am adamant to show I am more than that little girl who sometimes pops up and takes over. She’s had her fun, now it’s time for the new me to come out and show what I can do! The me I’ve been working on for so long, the me who deserves to be in charge.
I hope this set-back was a one-time happening and that I’ll remember my strength next time I step into the classroom. As I was just starting to like the person I was becoming, I’d hate for it all to disappear because my old anxieties take over. I thought that battle was done.
I hereby decide that that battle is done! And if next time I feel insecure again, I’ll just remember I am an instrument of peace and love reigns over hatred. And fears.