Trauma (aka Can Lifelong Scars Eventually Heal?)

[Noun; ~ Pronunciation: /traw-muh/]

  • Definition: Fearing failure is nasty. It weighs heavy because I am a perfectionist, someone who doesn’t allow herself to make mistakes. I am this way because I’ve always felt I wasn’t good enough for anything and needed to show everyone I am. But am I? Will I ever be able to say I am because I believe it?
“All children have to be deceived if they are to grow up without a trauma”
– Kazuo Ishiguro –

Coming Monday, 3pm, I have an intake interview with the people of the life coach course. They will assess my character and mental state (I think) to judge whether or not I am able to join them.

Whether or not I am good enough.

My deepest trauma of all is the fear that I am not good enough. For anything. I don’t think it was the high school bullying alone, but also having to constantly prove myself to two older sisters and facing lots of people who treated me like I was a dumb blonde. Like I have no brains or something, just because I work(ed) in a store. Or because I chose NOT to retaliate.

Not having been able to find a proper job the past year didn’t really help, either. Especially not since the coaching people asked me to send in my résumé…

After twenty-seven years I was finally able to look into a mirror without flinching, without pointing out to myself all the things I don’t like about my own face and body. Even though that’s quite a victory, I’ve been unable still to turn a positive reaction to my reflection into an automatic action.

(Gotta love that sentence, despite its sad truth)

Lately I’ve been asking myself why some people treat me the way they do, or have treated me the way they did (like I am going to stick around for being insulted – no thanks!). Now I know why: buried deep down in my soul, thickly covered under years and years of therapy and self-reflection and building a positive self-image, lies the darkest trauma of my entire being: I am not good enough.

If I am not convinced I am, then why should others?

Can mental scars be so massive, so deep, so… strong they are not fixable? Am I, the person who wants to fix everyone, unable to fix myself? Is my trauma irrevocable?

I thought I was over this, but why am I so scared they won’t accept me as a coach-in-training? Why can’t I just joke about it and say: “Oh well, if they don’t accept me then at least I’ll have money to go to Finland, haha!”

Because I want this more. Because, secretly, I know I am worth this! Because I can do this!

My scars might not have healed yet, but I am only thirty. If it took me twenty-seven years to stop fearing mirrors, maybe by the time I’m sixty I’ll stop fearing intakes and interviews and realise my own worth.

Or maybe I’ll realise it Monday, 3pm.

And if not, at least I’ll have money left to go to Finland.

Yea, I am slowly getting there, alright. To healing my trauma.

Or Finland.

Or both.

How did you heal your scars?

6 thoughts on “Trauma (aka Can Lifelong Scars Eventually Heal?)

  1. My answer to the title question: yes.
    My words of support and encouragement–you’ve got this! You can do this!
    My additional advice–don’t try to make them think you are perfect. If they are in the life-coaching business, they know that all people have vulnerabilities and struggles. They also know that the best coaches have earned scars on the battlefield of life. They will want to recruit someone who is genuine, not someone who thinks she is flawless.
    My answer to the closing question: a combination of time, some good counseling, and the willingness to recognize myself instead of trying to ignore myself–all topped by a God who loves me as I am but also empowers me to be better. J.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, J.
      I don’t want them to think I am perfect, I just want them to understand I can do this, I am up for it! But I also know I can get so nervous during interviews I always mess up. I can’t help wonder what if I am not what they’re looking for? I mean, if they were to reject me, at this point I have no idea what I’d want to do with my life otherwise, I was so happy I found something that made my heart skip a beat! But, only time can tell. Worries never helped anyone.
      That’s a really good answer! Maybe I’ll try that, to: recognising myself rather that ignoring me.

      I hope you have a good weekend!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. A deep inferiority complex is the driving force behind so many highly successful people, since it causes them to work so hard to prove they are not. If you have it, it is valuable to you. And if you don’t feel inferior; well we can’t all be lucky.

    That is my spin, since problems are always the source of opportunity

    Liked by 1 person

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