[Adjective; ~ Pronunciation: /in-sig-nif-i-kuh nt/]
- Definition: Always finding yourself to be understanding of other people’s situations, always putting your own frustrations aside, only to find the people you were so compassionate about lack interest in you. You, your emotions, feelings and opinions do not seem to matter one bit, especially to those you have been so kind and lenient to.
“Whatever you do may seem insignificant to you, but it is most important that you do it”
– Mahatma Gandhi –
As I was walking home from the car workshop today (my car’s annual check-up was due) I asked myself how important I am to the people around me, and concluded it must be I am not important to them at all. I wondered, if I were to die right then and there, how many people would bother to show up at my funeral, let alone give a heart-crunching speech.
I don’t think I’d like to know the answer.
I am very sad at the moment. Not because my friend found a job; I am happy for her. Not because my new neighbours are making tons of noise redoing the entire house; I am happy they found a home and are turning it into something special. Not because my birthday doesn’t seem to be special for anyone else but me; I am used to that.
I am sad because people don’t ever think of me.
The friend who found a job? When I found one a little while ago I refrained from being too excited, as I didn’t want to hurt her feelings for being jobless.
She‘s been spamming my phone all evening with happy emoticons and updates I don’t want to read but reply to anyway because she’s my friend and I don’t want to be inconsiderate.
She’s starting her new job soon, but doesn’t know when exactly. There’s a high probability she’s not going to make it to my birthday party next Monday, for which I arranged an escape room. That I had to pay for up front. Money that won’t be returned in the case of last-minute cancellations…
Will she try and get the day off? Probably not, as she bluntly told me “a job is more important than your birthday.”
Would I have tried to get the day off if the situation had been reversed? With 100% certainty. I’d only cancel my friend’s big day if I really had no other choice.
My neighbours redoing their entire house? They promised me and my parents they wouldn’t work during early hours.
I woke up this morning around 7 a.m. because someone ran up and down their wooden stairs in what I can only assume are wooden shoes, for that’s how loud they sounded. Shortly after I heard two loud voices coming from their bathroom-to-be, which is only separated from my bedroom by a very thin wall.
I could hear every. single. word. Just as I grudgingly decided I’d get up at 7:38 a.m. as I was clearly not going to get any more sleep, the voices disappeared downstairs (in two sets of wooden shoes).
I snuggled back into my warm bed, but ten minutes later the voices returned, louder than before. Not only that, but an imbecile thought it would be a good idea to TAP THE WALL to indicate where “the sink is coming”.
I mean: REALLY!? If I can hear them, surely they can hear me.
Half an hour later (before the sun had risen), they started their construction work. Considerate? I think not.
But that’s it, you know. The majority of people thinks they are the most important individuals in the whole wide world. It seems that when you don’t belong to that group, the only thing you’ll end up getting is frustrated and ignored.
Because in their worlds, you don’t matter. You are insignificant.
And that is why I am sad. The only thing I wanted this morning was silence. The only thing I want right now is silence. I don’t want to hear about other people’s lives right now. About their new jobs or their fantastic bathrooms-to-be with sink-indications. I want peace and quiet.
So I am closing up my heart for today. No more compassion for tonight. No more consideration. Nothing more but the sound of silence.
I hope someone can understand that.