[Verb; ~ Pronunciation: /too/ /ri-prohch/]
- Definition: Listening to your inner voices, laden with blame and discredit, about how you are messing up your life. None of them ever coming up with a good answer to “but what should I be doing then, to make a change?” It’s the constant accusing yourself of making the wrong decisions throughout life, in a very reproachful manner.
“Shhh, be quiet. I’ve been on a low hater diet”
– from Watch Me Do by Meghan Trainor –
Some things have had such a long history of happening in your inner self, it’s hard to spot them. Even harder to overcome them.
One of the voices that has always kept my self-esteem super low without me even noticing, is the background whisper that presses me to make decisions. When I do, the whisper tells me it was the wrong one, and if I don’t, it nags that I am standing still.
Either way, whatever I do or don’t do, it’s never right.
The past few weeks have been interesting, to say the least. I’ve been on and off a roller coaster of emotions, alternating a good, productive week with a lazy one. During the energetic weeks, I get a lot of chores done, including uploading my résumé on to different career platforms, as well as starting writing my story. Even if I manage to do all the tasks I have set out for myself, the inner reproach-voice isn’t satisfied: I surely could have done more. And when do I plan to move out?
In the energy-less weeks (unfortunately, I am in one right now), I get nothing done. Sure, I post some things online, read a book or two, and daydream almost aloud about all the adventures I wish I was on. I make plans for what I’d like to do, but the judgemental voice in my head makes me less than eager to get up and try. What’s the use if nothing I do is ever going to be good enough?
Even if this week is a bit mweh, something caught my attention: the voice telling me off isn’t mine. It’s not my own, personal inner voice telling me I am a loser, a no-worthy low-life, it’s something else. It’s almost as if someone is literally whispering into my ear that all things I decide upon are wrong. It could be the voice of fear or a remnant of my depression I thought I had so carefully overcome. I don’t know. But whatever it is, it’s not mine.
Neither was the choice to listen to it. It just happened. But you have to admit when you wake-up and your first “thought” of the day is: “what have you done yesterday to find a job? Nothing!” something needs to change. Desperately. Because all this negative blah-blah in my mind is not only driving me crazy, it’s causing me to lose the will to try. And if you don’t try, nothing will ever change.
So instead of letting the voice accuse and blame me for all and nothing, I am going to do just what Meghan Trainor did: I am putting myself on a new diet. A no-hater one.
Which I am sure nobody will reproach me for.