Dictionary

Demons (aka How Sometimes I Am Scared I Was Hitler)

Pronunciation: /dee-muh n s/

demons“Man’s enemies are not demons, but human beings like himself”Lao Tzu

Today I asked my mother if I am a bad person. I know she’s biased with being the person who gave birth to me and all, but I still needed to hear her answer (which was no, in case you were wondering).

I believe in karma and in reincarnation. For some stupid, inexplicable reason I’ve always thought I might have been Hitler in the past, because bad things keep happening to me, making me feel as if I’m being punished for something, and if ANYONE has bad karma, it must be him (and all his reincarnations, I reckon).

Finally, I let this thought go, because I figured it doesn’t matter what you did in a past life (especially because no one ever seems to remember their previous lives), as long as you try your best in this one. Although I’m not sure karma feels the same, but then: I can’t go back and fix my past me, can I?

(Also, if it would be true, I think I’d go mental. Imagine having been Hitler… Yikes! Not something many people would want – I hope!).

I’m not really sure why I am admitting to this ludicrous fear of me, maybe because sometimes it still unexpectedly creeps up at me: what if I was really Hitler? I know it’s stupid. But I guess a part of me is so scared I was him, it makes me want to be super good in this life to compensate.

In fact, I want to be good so badly, I cannot even make a mean character in Fable! And let’s face it: that’s just a simple fantasy RPG, and everyone knows the bad guys always have more fun in those! (Plus it’s easier for them to appear younger throughout the game as you get life energy from sacrificing people, whereas the good ones have to some something complicated involving a church, donations, other stuff, and even then they age faster).

The real inspiration behind this post was something else, though. It was a simple (read: boring!) movie I saw last night, about demons possessing people, and priests going to class to learn how to perform exorcisms. The main character was a young priest-to-be, with little faith in God and demons in general, although, of course, by the end of the film he recovered his belief in both (the title of the film was The Rite).

Now, another fun fact about me: I used to be very religious up until I was about twenty-four. I believed in God as the one and only deity, and in the devil as a counter-force of all the goodness from Heaven. And I also believed in demons. So much that I was never able to watch movies such as The Rite, because I was terrified they’d come and get me, too.

(I’m reading this back now and I’m seriously laughing at myself. So go ahead and join me if you wish ;))

Even if I found The Rite far from captivating (I fell asleep during parts of it), it set me thinking about good and bad, and right and wrong. Because if I don’t believe in demons as portrayed in this film, what do I believe in? I mean, there is good and bad in this world, it has to come from somewhere, doesn’t it?

Here’s my perspective: there’s balance in nature, and if there’s good there must be bad to equal it out. I think we all have some good and some bad inside of us, only for a few people their inner scales lean more towards one side. Meaning that Hitler’s self was probably out of balance, his leaning more towards evilness, whereas mine is also unbalanced, leaning more towards goodness.
But it’s impossible to be just one of both. Even the darkest person has a good side, and vice versa.

Demons, angels, hell and heaven, it doesn’t matter what you call it. It’s all in us, we all carry our demons and angels within us. They’re not human-like creatures who hide and await a weak moment to take over our souls; they’re already captured in there. The choices you make in life, those inner voices you listen to, those are the real angels and demons of life.

Now, these are just my thoughts. And what do I really know? I am only trying to be an angel in this life, to make up for the demon I might have been in my past one.

And yes, I am an angel. My mother told me so, so it must be true! ;)

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