“The whole point of being alive is to evolve into the complete person you were intended to be” – Oprah Winfrey
They say in times of great need you’ll learn who your true friends are. I say in times of great need you’ll also figure out who you are.
I’ve been trying to find out who I am as a person for as long as I can remember, and for equally that long I was convinced I disliked myself. Change was what I was after, but I was so desperate to turn myself around I failed every time (and ended up disliking myself even more).
But the moment I let this fight go and gave up, the strangest thing happened: I evolved into someone stronger.
The constant battles of 2015 and all its personal disappointments exhausted me to the extent where I was ready to give up on believing anything positive could ever happen any more.
But I suppose the Universe watches over me after all, and does work in mysterious ways (I’m also guessing it likes surprises), because maybe all I needed was a lot of negative stimuli to break my barriers and start building a new me from the broken pieces.
For the past week or so I’ve been on some sort of high: the fact that I could have taken revenge, but didn’t, on someone who hurt me badly, makes me indescribably proud of myself.
I wonder what else has changed inside me, if I can be this mature about something that’s bothered me for eight months.
A few weeks ago I went to a perfume shop to use a gift card I received from a happy client. I never go to these kind of stores, but since the card was about to expire I took it as a chance to treat myself to some good perfume as opposed to the cheap ones I usually buy.
I ended up buying the most expensive perfume ever! Even with the discount the price was ridiculous! But since the shop assistant had provided great service (and helped me find the perfect scent by trying out over thirty perfumes – the woman had the patience of an angel), I felt socially obliged to make the purchase.
And now, instead of being mad at myself every time I stare at the bottle, I find myself laughing about it. Laughing at the stupidity of the situation, my lack of backbone, and at the small size of the bottle in comparison to its high price. For the love of the Universe: it’s only perfume, after all! :’) Why does it have to cost so much?
(I do smell absolutely amazing now, by the way! Even after having a little allergic reaction to the perfume when I sprayed it on this morning…)
Something has happened. Maybe all the bad things of 2015 have broken down the otherwise relentless fighter inside me, creating room for expanding my other personality traits. Who knows.
But I like it! I’m dwelling on this new-found maturity, my bigger “I-don’t-really-care”-attitude, and my jump into the deep!
Because yesterday, this control freak quit her job! That’s right, as of January the first (or actually the forth, as that’s the start of the new work year) I’ll be jobless.
BUT! Free to travel around, finish my Icelandic language course, and (hopefully) end up doing something I was meant to do; helping people.
2015 might be ruined, 2016 will be a new start for me. A new start for a new me :)
Finding out who you really are is like fixing a puzzle: keep trying and one day all the pieces will fit together. You know you’re on the right track when all the strange changes happening inside you give you a warm feeling. A feeling that’s not unlike coming home. Finally coming home.