2015 is a bad, bad year. I can’t even count all the things that went wrong, nor can I express in words what my exact hopes are for the remainder of it. It’s been such a poor year, everything went wrong. And I’ve just about had it!
If one more person I love dies, I’ll go berserk. If one more idiot hires me when they shouldn’t (or doesn’t when they should), I’ll lose it. If one more person starts ignoring me for no reason, I won’t stand in for myself. I’ll probably visit them and give them something to ignore me for.
I get it, this year sucks! It’s already beyond ruined and I doubt there’s anything left in the last four months of it that could make up for all the drama and bad experiences of the past eight. I have never longed for a new year as much as I do now. 2016 can’t come soon enough if you ask me (unless that year proves to be a failure as well. In that case it can just stay away)!
But despite this realisation, I can’t help myself: I am a fighter. I have to save what’s left, if only to soothe my soul. Or keep busy.
So I decided to launch a counter-attack. Full blast, no-nonsense, zero-tolerance counter strikes. Starting with that evil train crossing.
Since the suicide I witnessed I had problems crossing that part of the train tracks. My parents and sister were very sympathetic about it and took detours whenever I was in their car, to spare me reliving that moment.
But I am so over this trauma! It’s been a week. I can’t bring the boy back. I can’t go back in time and save him. I doubt he wanted to be saved. I doubt I’d be alert or strong enough to save him anyway. It’s all done, so let’s move on; I am angry with him!
Sure, I feel bad he didn’t see any other way out, but why should I suffer, too? Why should I have to relive that horrid moment each and every time I come to that train crossing? Why should I spend the rest of my life feeling jumpy when I see a train or see the warning lights and barriers come down? Or freak out when I see (idiot) people stopping and greeting each other while standing on the tracks.
I am damaged already. I am strange and awkward by nature, I don’t need any more of it!
My first counter-attack move came last night, when I was coming back from body pump and asked my mum to take the normal route home. And today I took a bus to the dentist and it drove over the Horror Crossing (as I call it).
I sort of squeezed my own hand very tightly, I might have closed my eyes at the moment supreme, but I survived (pun not intended). The real cherry on the cake was when I drove to zumba this evening and, without any warning to my mother, crossed it myself.
Yes, I saw the flashing lights again in my head. Yes, I saw him fling himself in front of that train again. Yes, I stopped breathing for a few seconds and my heart rate increased. But I did it! And I will do it again.
Out with the trauma! In with the good things already!
Please sponsor my counter-attack and help me save what’s left 2015. Give me some good news! Anything will do, as long as it’s something positive :)