Pronunciation: /in-ek-ser-uh-buh l/
“What other dungeon is so dark as one’s own heart! What jailer so inexorable as one’s self!” – Nathaniel Hawthorne
I am losing my touch. Seriously. I used to be able to close myself off from others by nothing more than an imaginative snapping of my fingers. And that was it, you know. If someone hurt me badly, something would snap inside me and that’d be it: no second chance. No more receiving my attention, love or friendship. They would be out, and out for good. And I wouldn’t be spending a seconds thought on them, either.
So where did I go wrong? What happened that softened me? What made me lose my touch and made me not want to go to war any more? (Except for the song, because seriously, that just cheers me up).
This was one of the things I was always so proud of: knowing that if someone managed to get too close to me and hurt me, I’d block them out for good and never let them back in again. It’s what I call my “defence system” and it never needed manual triggering. It would just happen.
But now it’s malfunctioning! My level of inexorable-ness has somehow lowered and I am becoming a softy! Aarh!
I still don’t believe in second chances. In my head the rules are simple: if you hurt me, it means I can’t trust you. And if that happened once, then who can guarantee it won’t happen twice? The person who messed up? Yeah right, as if I’d be stupid enough to believe them again.
Sooo… I guess I was stupid enough. And what did it bring me? A lot of stress, head aches and a sniggering bastard at someone’s birthday party. I was seriously laughed at by the person who managed to get a second chance from me and who f*cked up twice. And why? Because I entered the room and said: “Hi, everyone,” before quickly turning to the birthday girl to give her presents. It must have been hilarious… O.o
What has happened to the world? What has happened to me!? I used to be such an ice queen (I even dedicated an entire blog post to that fact), and now things are bothering me. So much so that it keeps me up at night.
You know what, maybe that change inside me isn’t so bad. So what if I no longer shut every idiot out of my life automatically. So what if I have to actually think about my actions now. I’ve been burned twice, sure, but I can guarantee you all for the full 100% I’ll never make that mistake a third time (or a second time with anyone else)!
And that’s a deliberate decision, mind you. Which is far worse than an automatically generated response. Hah, guess who’s laughing now, punk!
Maybe I’m not growing soft, maybe I am merely waking up. Which means that I may not be inexorable (I kind of always thought it was something that I had in me, like a genetic flaw), but I surely choose to be so when it suits me best. It’s like a hidden super power. Tan-dah-dah-dah, it’s: Inexora-Sam! (Okay, maybe I need to work on that a bit more – Although I just bought an amazing dress I look totally awesome in that could be my super hero outfit!)
Before writing this post I was being inexorable to myself. Why did I behave so silly on the birthday party, and why couldn’t I just be the bigger person like I usually pretend I am? Why did I let Mr. Giant Arse and his little friends laugh at me? I loathe it when people mock me, it’s on my list of things I hate!
I kept criticising myself for something I couldn’t even help. Because what really happened was: I got hit by a reflex. That’s all. A leftover from being bullied so badly for so long. And it took me until now, after I’ve written it out in words, to see that (literally seeing it, I suppose, is the key).
Choosing to be inexorable works both ways: you can choose to be heartless and cruel and solid as a rock regarding your actions. And you can choose to tone it down a bit. So here I am, manually upping my level of inexorability towards that jerk and all future jerks, and deliberately choosing to be kinder to my persona.
I’m so much cooler than him anyway, with my super powers and all ;)
Hey! Having to do this manually might also mean I am (finally) learning to let people in! Which is a good thing, because now at least I know that
even if when they hurt me I can still kick them out of my life. Personally. Willingly. Not automatically.
So, I guess I am still inexorable, but only when I need to be. Hurray for self-revelations and super powers!
What’s your secret power? And when did you use it last?