Although Insomnia is also the name of a chain of coffee-houses, spread throughout Ireland (which serves the best, most addictive white café mochas and chocolate muffins, by the way), it firstly describes a state in which one is deprived of (sufficient) sleep. Often by worrying, sometimes by we-don’t-want-to-sleep-emotions, and sometimes by no clear reason at all.
It would have been nice if humans had been born with a series of on-and-off switches, for I would love to have a switch I could use to flick off my thoughts, or my brains in general, and one for my emotions. But mostly, it’d have been nice if, when going to bed, I could just switch myself off entirely, like you can do with electric devices.
I have had trouble sleeping ever since the temporary menopause thing caused me to wake up from hot flashes every couple of hours, but since my mother’s sister died it’s grown worse. The situation regarding her cremation and everything else that has now got to be taken care of (closing accounts, dividing and selling her stuff, finding a buyer for the house, the paperwork, legal arrangements, etcetera) has exploded into a new dark era I shall from now on refer to as: Armageddon.
Going into details about all the crap my living aunt’s (read: Satan) pulled on us while we’re trying to grieve is not what I want to do; I am upset and angry and would probably use words or phrases that are not very nice (and that’s nicely put). Plus, I can’t switch my brains off and they are constantly thinking about it. ALL. DAY. LONG. And all night! So the last thing I want to do is pollute my blog with thoughts and feelings I’d much rather forget about.
But that’s not the only thing that worries me, even if it’s the main one. Being so mad at this situation brings back anger over other issues, such as the idiot who’s ignoring me to death, merely because he has a girlfriend.
I don’t care if he has a girlfriend, in fact I couldn’t care less if he had ten of them! What upsets me so much is how he has the audacity to think it’s okay to treat me, or any other person, this way! Pretend you’re my friend, then when you find someone who’s willing to be more than that, revert to a status of total and utter ignoring of said friend, but only until you’ve split up with your girl. Because whenever he isn’t dating he has no problems talking to me, but the second he is, he won’t even acknowledge my existence. Ridiculous.
I am not a yo-yo. I am also not a toy you can throw away in a corner when you’re done playing with it. And (unfortunately, though) I am not a robot you can switch on and off whenever you please. It feels as though I am being punished for something I don’t even know I did, and I don’t deserve this kind of treatment.
Although I have accepted he is a loser and is definitely not worth my time, and although I’ve decided this is the last time he treats me like trash (he’s done it before, exactly the same kind of situation), it still angers me to the bone when I think of it. And my resolution for this year was to be more positive and upbeat. So far people are making that very hard for me!
Self-reflection: I guess I am just deeply worried. About a lot of things going on, but mainly Armageddon. And I long to have everything under control, all situations, always. I am scared that, since I can’t control this, it will end badly. For my deceased aunt, for my mum, for the rest of my family. This powerless feeling then, in return, makes me angry; since if it were up to me, we wouldn’t be in this unfair mess. And the anger keeps me awake, because out of of all emotions I believe anger is one of the strongest motivators.
It also doesn’t help that the book I am currently reading, and keep on my night stand in cases of insomnia-attacks, is all about revenge and hatred (nor that it’s actually very well written and exciting). So much for calming down and falling asleep…
The disability to have a good night’s sleep is wearing me out; the fighter in me is convinced that if I stop worrying, I’ll lose this battle on behalf of my deceased aunt. My brains agree with that.
Someone once said: worrying won’t make tomorrow’s problems disappear, but it will take away today’s energy. Someone else once said that if you are lost, ask others for directions. Both are true.
So if anyone has any tips on how to get some sleep: they are very, very welcome! If you know how to kick insomnia’s butt (or Satan’s), please let me know, I’ll be forever grateful.