Pronunciation: /lawst/ /n/ /found/
Okay, before you think this is just another whine-post of mine, let me reassure you I have saved what I think is the most beautiful word in English vocabulary for my January the 1st post, and that post will be very upbeat because I plan to write it about my Happy Jar.
Having gotten that cleared up, I’d like to dedicate this post to my recent thoughts over the past year. 2014 was not the best 365 days (or rather 364, because there’s still one day left. Although I don’t see my entire year drastically changing for the better in just a day…) I’ve ever experienced, but also not the worst.
Here’s why: during the year, I’ve lost my heart, my head, my plans for the future as well as my belief it’s all going to end up well, my pets, a dear friend, my sister, a lot of respect for a lot of people, my health, and even my hormones.
In 2014, I fell in love with someone safe, aka someone who didn’t return my feelings. Which was fine by me, because that was the whole point of falling for him: he was unavailable, meaning it was safe to develop feelings for him because he would never expect me to actually act upon them. In fact, I’m not even sure I was really in love, I think I was just so focused on wanting to fall in love with someone I kind of got obsessed over this guy. But even so, it would have been nice if he had actually returned my email, since being casual friends would have been better than being nothing at all (sending another email would have looked really desperate so I was kind of forced to give up on having any kind of contact with him).
I’ve lost my pet bird, who I had for thirteen years and I just miss her. The house is quiet and there’s no one to come snuggle up on my shoulder when I’m feeling down, and no one whose day I can brighten up by giving them a tiny bit of biscuit or by snapping my fingers at them :( I miss all of her quirks and how she could make me laugh even if I didn’t want to.
My sister, the middle one, hasn’t spoken to my family for a good six months now. Nobody knows why. The last thing we’ve heard from her was when she sent me a birthday card in October.
I don’t mean to sound harsh, but it’s not like I miss her a lot (I think I miss my bird more than I do my sister to be honest). We were never really close and even if there were some good moments where we laughed a lot, she’s also the sister that would ask for help everywhere and never lend a hand herself. She’s also the sister that, when in a bar or café, would let me or someone else pay for the drinks, saying: “I’ll pay next time” but never doing so. Yes, she is that kind of a person.
I’ve always tried to be respectful and friendly towards her, even if she’d make it very hard for me sometimes, so why exactly she’s ditched us is a mystery to me. My parents are really hurt and they don’t know why. My eldest sister is upset and worried, but she never receives a reply to her texts. I just don’t get it. I’m okay with the fact the middle sister doesn’t want to know us any more, for whatever reason it may be, but at least tell us why rather than closing the door behind you from one day to another. Her husband hasn’t even seen his niece yet! D’s five and a half months old and she’s never met her uncle because of whatever it is that makes my sister hate us so much! I just… hate open endings. Just tell us so we know.
The worst news I got in 2014, though, was that my aunt is going to die. Again, we’ve never been close (my family is not close-knitted at all), but the fact that my mother’s youngest sister is going to die somewhere in the upcoming year hit us all hard. Every time I step into her car, the one she’s going to leave me, I smell her. And I feel all freaked out. I can’t believe she’s not going to be around any more. I can’t believe she’s not going to make it to sixty.
It’s just another win for Team Cancer :( I hate cancer. I think cancer should get cancer and die.
Then there are my own health issues. I got a call from a recruitment agency in Ireland wanting me to apply for a job in Cork. A year ago, I would have packed my bags without thinking, but now I had to refuse because of my uterus. I’ve finally found a doctor who’s willing to help me figure out what’s wrong, and moving to Cork would mean putting my own health in second place again and I’ve been doing that for too long. But still, it’s bitter. Very, very bitter.
I hope I turn out to be okay, but with all the cancer in the family I secretly am terrified…
Despite losing a lot, I also found a lot, to sort of counterbalance it all. I gained self confidence, got more insight into what I really want to do with my life, I found a job and am generating income, I’ve learned to appreciate the smaller things in my life more because of the people I met doing my job, I’ve learned some syringes are not supposed to be shot up your arm or your butt cheek, and I am slowly learning that it’s not that scary to be liked by people. I also found out I like colouring things, especially mandalas, and that the idea of dying and not being able to bring my stuffed panda to the afterlife gets me very upset (I’ve had her since I was three).
I suppose this is what life is all about: losing things and finding others. And when by the end of the year it’s balanced out, we ought to count ourselves lucky. Count ourselves lucky, but still keep hoping for a better new year.
I know I’m going to lose more things in 2015. My aunt, for starters. Some friends or acquaintances, probably. My mind, maybe. But I also know I’ll find things. A better job, more friends, new pets, new hobbies. Who knows what the new year will bring. We can only wait for it all to happen and use our balancing scales at the end to see how bad we’ve done. And actually, I don’t think I’ve done so bad after all.