Dictionary

Commitment

Pronunciation: /kuh-mit-muh nt/

Commitment is a magical state of mind in which you stop thinking about all things that can (and will) go wrong when opening yourself up to someone, or something, else. It comes in a lot of forms, such as commitment to your partner, your job or even your pet. To my brains, all commitment is scary.

Last Sunday I went for a run, and I do this by means of recorded lessons on my iPod. That is, I downloaded this free programme that will teach me how to run 5 kilometres in 30 minutes. Incredibly unbelievable, I thought, but I’ve started making progress so I think I’ve become a believer after all.

Anyway, these audio running sessions consist of upbeat and slower songs, to accompany the running and the walking bits, and one of the songs used for session 23 (yes, I’m that far already – only 7 more to go!) was the one I linked to above. And it just hit me that, even though I’m not a fan of Taio nor can I name any of his other songs, it’s practically about me (at least the chorus is, because that’s all I can sing along to).
I am someone who can and will only break your heart. Ask any of my ex-boyfriends (all 2 of them) and they will be able to tell you I hurt them badly, but they have no idea why. Same with all other guys that were very interested, but somehow only ended up getting the ice treatment, even if I liked them, too. They all don’t understand me.

Neither do I.

You see, I just get scared when people get too close. Figuratively, and now I come to think of it, literally as well (brr!). I simply freak out.

Hilariously, a little over a year ago a guy who fancied me got a bit too close to my likings, and that’s when my body went into complete shut-down mode. I don’t even know what exactly happens when that happens, I just know that I’m like a computer that completely freezes up. No sound, no more moving images, nothing. The only thing I can do to keep it working is to reboot it. So the only thing I can think of when someone likes me, is to push them reeaally far away and have them stay put there, at that safe distance, until their feelings are over and I no longer have to be scared.

The other option is to run away myself. Which, to be honest, I’m getting better and better at thanks to my iPod running sessions :’) It’s actually quite funny: I thought I was good at running away from my fears, but I’m even better in running away from men!

I don’t know where this anxiety comes from. I blame my family. Because it’s easy and they are pretty disturbed so it wouldn’t surprise me if they actually were the reason for my commitment issues. Being bullied in high school didn’t work either.

But things can change. I mean, a year ago I wasn’t capable of naming ONE thing I liked about myself, and now I’m pretty pleased with how I turned out to be. Now that’s a miracle. And if miracles do happen, then who knows. Maybe one day I won’t break someone’s heart. Until then, I’ll just keep on running. That 5km is almost within grasp anyway.

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